WORK...

once again i am here to bitch abt my work -.- after 2 weeks and 1 day there at the new place...i feel...horrible~ dun like the ppl..dun like the work...i even dun like how the air smells on that floor...=( then i looked at last yr's july entries...and i realised..i was bitching abt work @ pwc! hahahaha...the irony...yes..i know...it takes time to adapt again..but it reallie doesn't help when the ppl here aren't so frenly u know...thinking of the old witch i am helping...omg..i can go on for days abt her..-.-

she is obviously good in wad she does..i respect tt...but honestly...i think she shld keep her temper in check...she's freaking 59~ wad if she bursts a blood vessel or sth 0.0..ok fine..she hasn't exactly blown her top AT me...i have just witnessed a little of wad she is like when she is "not in a good mood" today...honestly..i was more disgusted than scared..she's quite unreasonable sometimes...i dunno how to describe it..but i dun like the way she treats her staff..they are HELPING u..not ur bloody slaves -.-

why am i so pissed w her? cos she treats me like i am invisible most of the time...she sits diagonally in front of me...my fren behind me..she can shout across ME to tell my fren to tell ME abt sth...WAD AM I? A WALL??wtf?! nvm...today she was a "bit" better..got call my name, she almost got the pronounciation right...almost...congratualations *claps*, talked to me like 2 sentences..hooray i shld start buying TOTO..wad the fuck is so difficult to pronounce abt my name btw?? she is a fucking chinese no? so full of shit! the other ger who came in w me is called jia hui..she can't get both names right..come out from her mouth, both sounds the same...is she bloody stupid or wad?she say her clients will have problem ok lah..i can understand..she also has prob?she is not the onli one apparently...even tho most of the pb can speak chinese..they can't pronounce my name properly...NONE pronounced it correctly and i can't be bothered to correct them reallie..dun wanna waste my breath on smart asses who think they are too good for chinese names -.- the way they joked abt my name..IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL..bunch of bitches..wait till one day I joke abt ur names...how abt tt?? if u can't get it right, then put in MORE effort...dun treat it like a joke..it's disrespectful and makes me wonder if she has just wasted the air and space for the last 59 years..

one thing i am kinda "pissed" is why must I be the one to help her??why ME? why didn't they assign me to the other new pb?? i would not have regretted my decision as much if tt's the case...i am a little disgruntled that my fren din actuallie mention this fact tt i am gonna be assigned to this witch!..felt a little betrayed..a little...nonetheless she is helping in all the way she can in my work..and i appreciate tt..so thank you for the help~(honestly she wun be seeing this as she dun have the habit of reading her frens' blogs at all -.-) but well..still wanna say ty lah...i know i have been quite a nuisance...bugging her every like 10 mins -.-but reallie takes time to get the hang of things..esp these things..i am so unfamiliar w the things i am doing =( i literally threw away all my banking knowledge the minute i stepped out of the exam hall for my last paper~

hai~..VERY unhappie everyday..u know the feeling of dreading to go to work??? i nv dread going to work at pwc even tho the work isn't exceptionally fun...but i have nv DREAD going...at most i grumble a little abt waking early ...but tt's part and parcel of working life..i accept tt..now..even tho i get to wake slightly later..i dun feel happier..i feel so miserable these days...i literally drag myself out of the door..i dread of facing the ppl there...i dread of the work waiting for me..i dread to hear phone ringing...i dread to think of lunch..(cos ade always eat w her classmates and i feel like a super outsider if i join them..and i dun like the feeling of like forcing myself onto others..actuallie real frenz shldn't be so ke qi..but it's just me..i am "ke qi" to almost everyone..i dun like to feel like i am a "burden")..the onli time i look forward to is GOING HOME..not even lunch lehz...tt's reallie saying sth...

sometimes it may sound like i am just picturing myself in the worst scenario and exaggerating the situation..but i reallie am not...last time, i look forward to lunch, i look forward to the gossipy hour after lunch...now...i look forward to the END of lunch..2 hours lunch w no internet and msn sux to the CORE...have u tried that?? have u tried being cut off from the rest of the world and having no one but ur colleagues whom u are not shou with to talk to ?? it sux...which is why i DUN talk..not kidding..i can sit there all the way till lunch without speaking a word unless someone asks me sth or i have to answer phone call...i am alr an introvert...now becoming a hermit lo -.-

u all may think that i have a fren there..things shld be fine..."ha.ha"...trust me..it's not.. i dunno is she dun reallie get the idea that i am NEW there and seriously know no one else except her to lunch with or she thinks i have SOOOO many frenz i can lunch w everyday?sometimes...i actuallie blame her...blame her for ever asking me...i know i shld be grateful...i know....but i still can't help myself..i keep thinking...IF...if i din leave, i would still be slogging in pwc no doubt..but slogging happily...no worries during lunch tt i will have no one to eat with...(does anyone actuallie understands the true agony of having no lunch kakis??got one day i actuallie have no one to eat w..lucky yz was in office...if not i have to pack and eat alone in office..it's very ke lian u know...i feel pity for myself..reallie) ..sometimes i reallie wonder if working w a good fren is a wise choice...i think it tends to strain the r/ship..like got one day i did sth wrong..(it was very minor)..she could have just not mention it when the pb who interviewed me ask me how are things...i mean..if it can be avoided..then DUN mention it..it reallie looks bad on me...u know??first impressions sometimes last very long...and ppl tend to rem the bad things longer than the good...understand how i feel? i feel like i was being betrayed literally...yes lah...probably she din feel there's anything wrong at all...cos she is more shou w them..but i am not leh...hai~ duno how to say..

i regret every min my decision u know? every min! wad better future? crap..yes yes working in banks reallie helps if you are reallie ambitious..and wanna go up the corporate ladder..but me? i am just a simple girl who wants a simple and stable life...now after trying out...it all becomes clear to me..i just want stability! something a bank can't give...there's so much uncertainties..i start to worry abt my increment...will i get much? if i stayed in pwc, i can get 3.7 by the 3rd yr..and come to think of it...i doubt i will get tt much here...seeing how niao that pb is...i dun think my increment will be much...reallie =\ can onli pray the bonus will compensate it...hai~ increment is always better than bonus lo...once it increased, they cannot say they wanna pay lesser next time but bonus is variable...get my drift?

but i shld stop thinking of the "what ifs"...cos even if i DO go back pwc...everything would have changed cos i DID leave them...it will be a different feeling i think...hai~regret regret regret..
stupid me...i dunno if i made that decision on impulse anot? no one realie offered any suggestions to me..all just ask me to decide on my own..i guess i was wrong..i tried listing out the pros and cons...but sometimes..one pro or one con can outweigh the others...why din i see that b4? why was i so stupidly into finding a "better" future?? is this a better future?? until now..i dunno wad i wan..i miss my stable life..i miss my pwc frenz..even if u compare work..the work in bank is more stressful..in fact it's very stressful NOW cos i have NO clue and everyday i face those papers w no idea how to go abt starting on them..CAN'T THEY TELL?? i NEED HELP...bank's work can't wait u know...one day might be measured in thousands..tax? there's always extensions..haha..aiya..forget it..i dun wan to compare..it just hurts more..call me no ambition..but i reallie dun like stress..i like a more carefree life..anywayz not like i going home very early u know..i am going at 7 these days...cos too much shit to clear, too much things to learn and remember.

one reason why i feel so resentful..cos no one seems to reallie understand how i feel...everyone keeps telling me...it will get better...it will..but how am i gonna pass the time in between now and the "getting better"..it's tough..maybe i am reallie one of those "strawberries" ( otherwise known as cao3 mei2 zu2 in chinese) very fragile and vulnerable..bump a bit spoil, squeeze a bit dent...i cannot take hardship..i admit..i am on the verge of crying everyday at work cos there's so much to do and so little time (we have time limit till mkt close) and i am reallie not familiar w the operations of things..u understand the agony and torture of doing sth that u have no idea wad it is abt?!?! DO U??????

i can conclude banking is NOT my thing..reallie..wad interest rates and exchange rates and shit..who cares?!?! i reallie dun...i have no interest..but they will become part of my life..in fact they SHLD alr be part of my life..disgusting..maybe i shld just go and open a shop on my own next time..when i earn enough tt is..hai~ very depressed...will i go crazy one of these days?! i am on the verge of trying to kill myself soon...it's getting scary..i feel so alone...so abandoned..and so mis-understood..so neglected...

ok..i think i typed a lot...as i typed out..i actuallie cried out too..maybe it's a good way of relieving stress...but as time ticks away..i reallie dread the start of tml..tml got a dinner thingy for the whole company..apparently they will say all the new joiners' names and we have to stand up one by one and receive the "applause" given..crap.